This is AFRICA (TIA)

SORRRYYYY for not being to blog early, I tried to do so during the first week but there was not enough internet. Anyway I'll fill you in with what all has happened.

I encountered my first problem in Belfast international airport security. The stupid beeping metal detector decided it didn't like me and continued to beep no matter how much metal I took off. This took so long that the rest of the team weren't allowed to wait around and had to go into the duty free zone leaving me at the mercy of the airport security. So the security guard was obliged to give me a little pat down to check for weapons, fair enough I thought, but when he started brushing certain areas with the back of his hand and then literally checking underneath my shorts in the rear region while whispering gently in my ear, I got slightly freaked out. Even though they found nothing on me they decided to empty my hand luggage and put each individual item though the x ray machine seperately. Eventually I got past after they made me repack everything back into the bag.

We arrived in Kuduna and jumped in our bus at 4.30am, driven by possibly the coolest man on earth, he's called Victor and he genuinely is a legend. We were driving along happy as Larry when we got stuck in a MASSIVE traffic jam, like it was miles and miles. To avoid this hinderance on the road our driver decided; why should we wait on this side of the dual carriage way when all this traffic is here, lets drive down the wrong side of the road towards uncoming traffic on a motorway. The driving is properly mental, the only real rule is beep your horn lots to warn other drivers of your presence.

Something I only realised when we arrived (probably due to my crap listening skills), that every place we were staying at was an orphanage. Our first one was in Kuduna. It can only be descibed as basic. I loved it but goodness me was it basic i.e. drop pit, bucket for a shower, no clean source of water on site and beds were matteresses on the floor in a very small room. At each oraphange we visited we did a 3 day camp similar to a holiday bible club, I could go into a lot of detail about them but it would probably be quite boring as there the time of thing you have to experience to find interesting. It was kinda weird though because I kept getting more attached to the kids from the surrounding neighbourhood. In Kuduna I grew very found of a kid called Moses (a lot of people have biblical names), he was only 12 but he had already seen someone being beheaded and a Mosque being burnt to the ground. One of the greatest moments of Kuduna was on Day 3 of the trip, there was a huge thunderstorm and the rain was crazily heavy, so the guys from the team all decided to go out and have a shower in the rain, the only light we had was when a flash of lightening ripped through the sky, it was awesome. Also quite a weird funny thing happened while playing volleyball. We were playing against some men from the village and their best player was in his late 20's early 30's, he dived to hit the ball but as he fell he ripped his trousers and pee'd himself at the same time, but he just didn't take a second thought about it and played on, twas odd, but we won and that's all that mattered. It was in Kuduna were a got my first kinda experince of African culture, a lot of people have scars on their faces, these are tribal markings and the belief behind them is that the scars have some sort of healing power, so if the child is sick, they won't die. Witchcraft is also still a very common belief in the rural areas of Nigeria. The vast minority of kids end up in orphanages because they are accused of witchcraft and the Uncles (Uncle is what all children call their elders i.e. I'm called Uncle John over here) have had to go rescue them from being burnt alive or drowned.

We left Kuduna on the 6th day of the trip. Before we left I was talking to a pastor who told me the next trip was only a 30km drive, selfishly I jumped into the most uncomfortable, cramp seat on the bus thinking if I endured it now I wouldn't have to on one of the longer trips... the pastor lied, the trip took 4 hours and by golly I couldn't feel my legs or rump by the end of it. We arrived in Kagoro and were quite taken aback by how peaceful and relaxing it was, it can only be described as a haven. I got to wash my clothes the Nigerian way, bucket and soapy water, but our cook who travelled with us who is also an expert at pretty much anything practical and African took over as I was awful at it. It then went on the washing line underneath a mango tree, why add this pointless detail I hear you ask, well I tell you this because mango trees are the habitat of the dreaded mango worm that jump on your clothes and if you put them on straight after they come off the line they burrow inside your skin. They're easy enough to deal with, just put vasiline on the entrance they crawled in to, and they'll stick their head out for air, then you grab them with twisers and pull them out, but it just can't be that pleasant having worms under your skin. Kagoro was great in the fact that it had an actual toilet that you could rest your weary checks on, the shower was still a bucket and cup but it was very clean. The kids there were pretty amazing, very enthusiastic, some were fantastic singers which if anyone who has visited Nigeria will know is quite rare and they got very involved in everything. To my disapointment but something the rest of the team revelled in, it was quite cold and rain a fair bit, in fact it rained quite a lot throughout the all the camps. There was a kid called James at Kagoro who had been rescued about 3 days before we arrived. He had been accused of witchcraft by his village and was covered in cuts and had a deep gash in his head from where he had been beaten.

On day 11 we sallyed forth from Kagoro towards Makurdi. On this trip we were stopped by "Nail boys", Nail boys are men who work for the government, their job is to get money off drivers for ridiculous reasons. There method is thowing a plank of wood with 100's of nails sticking out of it in front of your automobile and if you don't stop your tires get burst. We were charged N5000 for a tiny, broken, cheapily made, plastic, green bin (That's about £20) We relucantly paid, but not before we made a right scene by calling them racist for charging white people huge amounts and idiots. We arrived 4.30hours later. My first impression was, wow this is pure luxury. We were staying in the Head Uncles house which consisted of beds, actual toilet, carpet, sofas and a tv. My opinions soon changed. They had a small son who was possibly the most spoilt child I've ever seen, he respected no one but his mum and that's only because she would whip him if he was cheeky to her. On the last day he actually punched me in the face, I was not best pleased... we'll leave it at that. In saying that we did get some laughs from him as he seemed to still want to get milk straight from the female body, to the misfortune of the female members of the team he tried on numerous occasions to "latch on" to them. There were three girls at the orphanage who, in our teams opinion, should not be there. They were literally used as slaves, and I know that in the Nigerian culture women are made to work harder, but when 12 year old orphans are washing clothes by hand for 4 hours solid, then cooking meals for a perfectly able family and are forbidden to leave the compound then something is wrong. This was also the venue for the terror of the rats and cockroaches. To start off with it seemed to be isolated to the girls room, which was hilarious, but alas it did not stay that way. Due to the lack of beds, each night, the guys drew names from a hat to see who would be sleeping on the floor in the living room. 2 out of 4 nights I was required to sleep on the ground. The first night went without a hitch, at times I could hear the rats but they were far away from me. The 2nd time was the worst night of my entire life, I could hear the rats running around me, literally inches from me and I was too scared to grab my camera and use it as a torch cause it was on the ground and I'd have to move my hand around blindly on the floor to try and find it leaving me an easy target to be eaten alive by rodents. Eventually I plucked up the courage and shown the light at the door were I could hear scratching, to my horror there were 4 rats just clawing their way up the door which was no more that 4 feet from my bed. If I'm honest, I couldn't wait to get out of that house.

On day 15 we packed up and headed on for Lafia. Wasn't a very long journey but we had an extremely near miss with a pick up truck that was over taking on a blind corner. Lafia was an experience I will never forget as long as I live, but unlike Makurdi, it's for the right reasons. We were back to the drop pit and mattress on the floor, but they had running water which was awesome. On the first day, like we did in all the other camps, we went for a short walk to explore the area. I bought some Suya meat which is the nicest thing in the world, however as we were walking back, I was eating, not a care in the world, when a man asked me why I wasn't fasting, I had totally forgot it was Ramadan and all Muslims were fasting making it very obvious to spot the white Christains. With our presence known the Muslim cow owners (Known as Falani) decided to dump heaps of cow manure outside our compound, which from what I've been told is quite a soft warning by their standards. Anywho, it was here that I meet Ema (short for Emanuel). Ema was born in a nearby village and by the age of 2 he could not stand or talk. His village thought he was not human, but a snake spirit, so they abandoned him in the jungle. He stayed on his own for 13 years surviving on stones, sand, leaves, grass and his excrement. It's thought that he was assisted by monkeys. He's now 17 but looks like a 6 year old, but compared to what he looked like when he was found 2 years ago, he's improved spectacularily. We were expecting to be doing the camp with 14 boys from the orphanage, it ended up having more than 70 attending. At least 20 muslim children responded and became christians which in that area is unheard of and has to be kept on the down low until they are older as they face disownment or even death if it is dicovered.

All camps are now over, we're having a much more relaxed time now in Jos. The guest house we're staying in is pure luxury. I've lost neary half a stone but no doubt by the end of my stay in Jos the weight will be regained as the food here is specatular i.e. pancakes for breakfast. The team were pretty awesome to me regarding my exams. On the 17th they had a "last supper" for me as I told them that's what my year were doing (which I hope went fantasticly) and when I found out my grades they had a chocolate cake made for me by the kitchen staff here. There was slight confusion in the translation of "Congratulations" as the cake said "Happy Birthday", but it tasted magnificant. I'm loving every second out here but really want home to talk to everyone again and I've just been bitten by a mosquito as I typed that. No one has had any significant sickness so thanks a trillion for all you're prayers. I really want to get photos up but the laptop won't let them load, which is worrying but sure. Will see you all very soon and sorry if this is littered with spelling errors, but there seems to be no spell check out here.

Toodles
xox

Same old stuff, sorry.

Hello, I have been slacking greatly with my blogs and this will be my last one before hitting Nigeria.

As you may have noticed from my other blogs Matthew and I have invented a 2 new games at my Church Hall. They are highly, highly addictive and that's why I keep putting video's up about them. If you enjoy watching them, great, here's 3 more. If you hate watching them then I'm sorry, hopefully when I get back I'll have some original material. Enjoy anyway.

As you can see we made a slight adjustment from last time. Now there's two people throwing trying to cause you more pain than cutting off your toes with a blunt spoon. I've also realized from re-watching these how cock eyed I am, so much so I nearly obliterate Conor's probably very expensive camcorder.

 

Matthew, cute on the outside, robot in the inside.

It would seem my friends hate me. Alsoooo, before anyone comments on how manly (or lack of manly) I am, I'm inviting anyone who would like to try this to leave a comment underneath and when I get back it will be arranged and then we'll see how you react when facing the peril of the flying balls of fury

I'm still yet to win a match with the big red balls, so we'll move on quickly.

THE BBQ. I know it was a long time ago but due to the fact I wasn't here for the week afterwards I couldn't post this video. It took 20 hours to upload onto youtube!!!!! So even if you think it's crap, boring and useless tell me it's the best thing you've ever seen. On;y people who were at the BBQ will find this entertaining I'm assuming but sure.

Thanks to everyone who came, I loved it even though my feet got sun burnt.

I was cutting hedges and proceeded to get a thorn stuck in my finger. I said to the thorn "you're a real thorn in my side" and thought to myself; who gets thorns stuck in their sides? What activity were they doing for this to happen? Running through thorn fields sideways? Surely a finger and thumb is a more common place for thorns to get lodged. This made me think of other sayings such as; "two birds, one stone" How old is that saying??? When was the last time someone went out with a bunch of stones to kill birds? Thousands of years ago?
"Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise" totally inaccurate. Here is a list of healthy, wealthy and wise people who did not obey this saying; Jay Leno- 4 hours, Madonna- 4 hours, Florence Nightingale- 4 hours, Michelangelo- 4 hours, Napoleon Bonaparte- 4 hours, Bill Clinton- 5 to 6 hours, Winston Churchill- 6 hours, Nikola Tesla- 2 hours, Da Vinci- 15mins of every 4 hours = 1.5 hours. etc.
"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." Well that would be highly counter productive.
"Two heads is better than one"
 Really? How is this any better? In fact, I'm pretty sure this is worse. Look at that thing, it's literally something that would haunt you down in a nightmare.

If I don't see you before I go, I hope all goes well on the 18th with your date with destiny. I'll try and keep y'all updated as best as possible.


Bütün yaxşı
xox

The Pain that Oranges Bring

Helllllo, long time no speak. I have been rather busy organising stuff and creating the Stratford DVD so blogging had been put on hold until I had everything cleared up. On that note, to all super mega awesome Stratforders, the DVD is ready for viewing but dates just need to be confirmed on when is a suitable viewing time, however I will get back to y'all on that.

This video was recorded on Sunday 26th of June, that's how busy I've been. Anyway, after church I was standing talking to Philip McConnell outside and he informed me that he had bought bubble wrap. My initial assumption of this bubble wrap was that it was going to be an industrial sized roll of it that could cover a full body and then be able to jump out my bedroom window without any adverse effects. I was mistaken, there was enough bubble wrap to cover my lower torso and to be honest, it gave as much extra protection as wearing a jumper would. Here it is and enjoy, you sick cruel people.

Rumours and speculations have been circling that I'm not what you'd call manly and that I'm a hypochondriac. To prove this wrong, you will notice Philip McConnell was first hit with a tennis ball. Philip is a manual labourer and thus what we'd call "manly" and he was in significant pain. I was hit with an orange, which is heavier, at a much greater speed as Philip seems to be psychotic and tried to crush my insides by pulling the catapult back to it's elastic limits, and I wasn't even hurt at all. The bit of the video were I fell down in pain was all for show so that Philip didn't feel weak and pathetic.

 The rest of the video was just a bit of fun, except this is the only video that left me with actual injuries; a burst blood vessel in my belly button (random I know), a disgusting yellow bruise on my stomach (which there are no photos of as I do not want to arouse the female passions in a flaming fireball of desire), a very large welt on my rump (also no photos as that would be distasteful) and just a general tender torso which meant I had to avoid all touchy feely people for a few days. 

The three man catapult and bubble wrap has given me an idea for public safety video so hopefully that will be coming your way in the near future. I also have a few experiments I want to test, which more than likely will mean the french guy will return.

There genuinely was a balloon in the catapult and we have absolutely no idea were it went to. There was no spray of water or an evidence of it, it just disappeared. CREEPY WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH (ghost noise)

Many thanks to Conor for lending me his video camera and "go pro" (the camera you attach to your head, Stratforders will know what I'm talking about) as this allowed me to hopefully make the video's less static i.e. more than one camera angle.

THE GO PRO

Wednesday night, I was innocently playing badminton. When I left the hall and went to get in my car at approx 11.45 I was shocked to see it covered in cling film. However the joke is on the jokers, it wasn't even a hassle to me, I opened the door and it pretty much all fell off, in saying that, the vasaline on the door handle was highly irritating as I was too tired to whip it off when I got home and forgot about it the next morning resulting in me getting another handful of lube. Fair play on that one. I have a pretty good idea at who it was that did this act, but I'm going to be the bigger person and not retaliate (I know who did it, I will hunt you down and kill you). 

I can't think of anything else to say, so that's all from me today

Aproveitar o verão

xox

FREEDOM AND ALL IT'S GLORIOUS GLORIES

Friends and fiends, I am officially on my summer holidays!! This means that I have more time to do nothing. With this in mind, I shall try my utmost to have regular blog posts but I can make no promises as when I do something during summer, it usually takes up a full day.

Anyway down to business, to celebrate my freedom from the tyrant clutches of revision and exams Matthew McConnell (small, cute but with a dark side) and I decided to go down to Annalong Church hall were Trevor the Trampets cousin lives. We used him for a while then decided to attempt to knock each other the gymnastics box using various objects. This video is rather long and it may have been a "you have to be there" event to find it amusing but I suppose if you gain pleasure from watching the superior male species in pain, then you might like it. Here it is anyway, enjoy.

The white balls, during the "dodge ball" game;

Before you think I'm a giant pansy, words cannot describe how painful and stingy those white balls were. They were crappy, cheap, thick, hard plastic with a very small amount of air in them to keep their shape. The only way I can describe the pain is; imagine giving birth to a bowling ball, covered in razor blades, through your mouth, while being stabbed in the eye with a needle. That's not even an over reaction, they were torment. Here is a rough sketch at what they would look and feel like;

Moving on, I have a few experiments and videos brewing in my mind. Firstly I have to decide if they are physically do-able, secondly for some of them I need equipment I do not have in my possession, so I'll have to get in contact with my contacts and see what I can muster together, and finally I need good (moderately dry) whether for most of them. Also in my videos, I have decided to make up a few characters, just cause it makes making them less boring. From the feedback I have received, particularly from Emma Jeffery (who reads this without subscribing, CREEP) the French accent guy was even more creepy than the Sex Appeal guy (very inventive names, I know) so I apologies if I creep you out, but tough, the French guy will return as his voice is easy to do and sustain.

Game of Thrones. I freaking love it and from what I hear, a few of you love it too. The first season just ended with literally the weirdest image I have ever witnessed in all my days (I'll not ruin it for anyone planning on watching it). I get the feeling that everything is leading up to one huge ass battle in the next season and I really, really, reallllllly hope they actually show the battle as that was the down fall for the series "Rome", anyone who watched it (which you shouldn't have because it's a very, very naughty show) will know what I'm talking about. It had a brilliant build up to a war, then skipped the battle showed the aftermath, Game of Thrones better not be the same.

During one of my breaks, while still revising, I decided to set a pen lid on my desk and balanced three rubbers on top.

 From their it developed into one of my proudest creations and I promise you, not a single snippet of blu tack, glue or any other sticking implement was used. Here is the evolution of the process;

The MASTERPIECE. I call it "Pen lid with things on top of it"

It includes a pen lid, 2 rubbers, a 15cm ruler, an inhaler, 2 cd's and a white board marker.

Ladies, try telling me you're not swooning over the thought of me after seeing my skills.

Tomorrow I get my first Nigeria injections, YAY *breaks down into tears* but on the upside, Stratforders, who are all super mega awesome, Conor and I will be completing the Stratford video tomorrow as well and from what I've been told, we might be going to the diamond (Cowan and Taylor included) or somewhere such as that to view the finished product, so watch this space.

Apologies if this has not been a good post, it seems very sporadic and unfocused but hopefully I'll get back into the swing of things again soon.


Eftir nú
xox

Table Cloths and Satan's Sparrows

Hello my blogger bretherns, how are you all today?

Today's video isn't really an experiment more of a trick but I'll show you it anyway. 

OK, picture the scene, you're out walking about the town, it's around 2 o'clock and you haven't eaten yet!! You're stomach's rumbling and you need food. You see a beautiful restaurant named "Chef John's Fine Cuisine Diner." It looks to be in top nick, so you go and take a seat outside and wait for the waiter to come serve you...

I'm sorry for being an idiot, (pardon my french. PUN) I heard from Kerri's "Bbz list" that the french accent is hot, so blame her if this creeped you out. However, I suppose it's better than the sex appeal guy. What I meant in the video was that the sex appeal guy will no longer appear in any video's I make, but I won't delete yesterday's post as it received the most views of any of my posts, probably because the word "sex" was in it and you're all perverted, in a good way.

Anyway, I'm always curious... to see what I can achieve with that trampet (whom I have named Trevor), and more than likely, it will feature in the majority of my blogs, unless I get a sudden flux of people telling me they hate it. 

Another weird thing I discovered is that when I try to talk in a foreign accent, it messes up the structure of my sentences. I don't understand why that happens but it made me sympathise with foreigners trying to communicate to us natives.

I also found a pair of perfectly good Club 1880 school trousers. This is very annoying as when I went to buy school trousers at the start of the year all the 1880's were sold out and I was stuck with Whites!! I don't think girls understand quite how annoying Whites trousers are, it's like wearing very tight, stiff cardboard, and they don't leave much room for... pocket space.

SPARROW'S!!!

This is as much sex appeal that my blog will be getting from now on.

I have two sparrow's (I think they're sparrows anyway) nesting in my garage, unfortunately not the Johnny Depp type of Sparrow, not that I fancy him or anything, it would just be cool to have a pirate nesting in my garage. Anywho, ever since gold Duke of Edinburgh when Andrew Annett and myself were almost killed by deranged falcons hiding in the long grass, I have not been a huge fan of birds. Granted, sparrows are a lot smaller than those monster birds that tried to attack us on DOE but sparrows are lightening fast wee buggers and if one flew into me, I'm pretty sure it would impale me and give me all it's bird diseases, and if I'm honest, I'd prefer not to have bird rabies. The fact that they are nesting in my garage is also quite annoying as every time I walk in there (which is quite often as that is where Trevor stays) the sparrows freak out and fly out the door that I'm walking into. I've almost died a few times, so I've learned to shout and make noise whenever I'm going in. In spite of my fear of death, I grabbed life by the jiblets and took the opportunity to video said birds in question in their natural habitat. If you're a freak and enjoy watching winged devils, then I hope you like this video.

Pardon my German this time. Also you can see what I mean about the dangers of walking into the garage. I've taken the liberty of naming the sparrows, one is called Jack (obvious reasons), the one you saw in the video sitting in the nest I have named Lucifer as it is evil and tried to stab me with it's beak of eternal death!!

That's all from me for today. A huge big shout out to Claudia Green who did an expert job with the yearbooks, they look fandabydosey, like really, they are fantastic!! THIS IS MY LAST BLOG UNTIL EXAMS ARE OVER (21st June). Ever since starting this blog, I've spent HOURS at it, hours that I cannot afford to waste and therefore I must go cold turkey and abstain until I'm free for the summer. I have a few things planned in my head for when I return but until then this blog is officially closed.

Oh but before I go, I let a really big fly into the house today and was watching it fly all crazy. They have massively strong faces. Imagine you ran at a double glassed window as fast as you could and smashed your face off it, you'd be lying on the ground unconscious with a broken nose, jaw and cheek. Flies seem to be able to fly head first into glass all day and it doesn't phase them, Just thought I'd share that with you

Have a wonderful Wednesday(/ thursday by the time you read this), especially those who are on holiday, I envy you.

Şimdilik iyi, seni seviyorum bütün

xox

Experimenting with added Sex Appeal and a Bedroom

HELLLLLOOO my peeps, I hope you are all having a tantalising Tuesday.
I woke up this morning knowing that I was going to be home alone and decided, it's time! Today's experiment is something that I have wanted to do for yunks, but either forgot, or never had the opportunity. The video will explain all. I also realised that the majority of my readers (which are few in number, so if you do read this, you're special) are of the female gender. With this knowledge I decided to add a little sex appeal to my video (I'm ashamed of myself for doing this) but ladies, try not to swoon to much.

I was well annoyed that the petrol balloons kept bursting. I put a fair amount of petrol into the balloon first, then I had to blow it up, which tasted HORRIBLE, but as I was blowing the balloons decided to explode in my face and spray it contents into my left eye and cover my clothes. Just in case you were wondering, I think the purple thing in my hair was part of a balloon that landed there during the minor set back of premature popage.
Anyway, I got my fire balloon to blaze in the end so I'm happy, expect it very nearly melted the camera, which would have been counter-productive.

Moving on, In August I'm going to Nigeria, but while I'm there my bedroom is going to get a makeover; new carpet, new paint/wallpaper and new curtains, the whole lot. BACKGROUND STORY- I invited Jules and Kaitlyn down to my crib to do English revision, I believe you are aware of this as Kerri posted it on Twitter wondering if that means it's alright for her to have guys over for "dance lessons", yes I heard, and no you may not. Anywho, I was giving my guests a tour of the Manse and it came to the bedroom. Julie Anne laughed as apparently my room "looks like it's for a 7 year old." That would be because it was last painted when I was 7. Due to the scrutiny I received I requested that I get my room revamped. Here are a few pictures of the Love Den as it is at the moment. Excuse the mess, it's revision time.

Ok, the reason I'm showing you this is because, as anyone who has seen me before knows, I have little to no sense of what looks good and what doesn't (as James reminds me often). Therefore, I'm extending you the opportunity to design my room in a way that would suit me. Personally I like blue, but according to some people *James, cough cough* I have too much blue. In fact, I'm actually wearing blue as I write this. So fashionable people, this is a chance to prove your worth, for instance, if you want to be in the fashion industry, prove to me you know the colours that go and that scream out "Yes, this is John Finlay's room!" Or if you're planning to do something art related, well that's pretty self explanatory. Or even if you want to become a lawyer, then prove to me you know what's right and what isn't. Leave a comment or text me, whatever floats your boat on what I should do and if I like it and choose it, then you shall be rewarded, genuinely, I will give you some sort of reward/ token of my appreciation as I'm lost, I have no idea what to do.


You must also bare in mind that my room has this weird design thing at the top;

And has a relatively larger board thing at the bottom.

Just on a random note, I saw a very sad sight today while making lunch, a spider was on the kitchen tiles, I was about to squash it and it tried to run away, but it only had 7 legs. Apparently spiders need all 8 legs to be able to grip tiles... who knew? It was attempting to scurry away but stayed in the same spot and I couldn't bring myself round to killing it.


As I bring this blog to an end, I apologise again for the awful attempt at adding sex appeal, it just sounds like I have a sore throat. I also wish any one who participates in my challenge, happy designing and have a fantastic day


Godetevi il vostro giorno
xox

The Key to Imaginationland is bending in the Lock

As a child, I was never a recluse, I just had a very vivid imagination. By that I mean I wasn't so lonely that I created a special little fairy tale world were the troubles of being a toddler couldn't get me, I simply sometimes got lost in my own mind, mainly slaughtering ninjas, dragons and pretending to be a wrestler. My imagination was something I was hugely proud of as I was never bored, literally, I never had a dull moment in my childhood, as my mother told three of my closest friends while we were eating in a restaurant; "John could entertain himself with a piece of string for hours" (I'm still teased about that). I had such a imaginative mind that I very often struggled to go to sleep at night, partly because I was terrified of the dark and I live in a creaky 100+ year old house with a picture outside my door that I could see faces looking at me in,

The faces are in the buildings on the right hand side

There's two faces here

This is the eye and nose of a very white girl who was victim to the two faces on the other part of the picture

 but mainly because, when I got into bed (which I renamed "the imagination-station") I unleashed the full potential of my mind and got so excited and engaged that I forgot to go to sleep sometimes.

The thing is, lately it seems that my imagination has dulled hugely. I discovered this while on the toilet (bare with me, it'll make sense soon), yes we all use the toilet so don't call me disgusting, it's just a fact of life, in fact some people are into that sort of thing, but that's a different blog for a different day. Anyway, my downstairs toilet looks like this;

Anyone who has had the privilege of using said toilet may have noticed that the tiles have indentations on them creating random patterns. Exhibit A;

I was looking at the tiles yesterday and remembered that I had created 100's of characters out of the patterns, in fact, I had created at least 1 character per tile in that whole bathroom. I desperately tried to find them all again, and to my shock and horror I realised could only find 3!!! 3 out of over 100!! Here are three of the characters in question so that you understand what I'm talking about.

This is two of the characters.

Firstly we have "Mr Sneak", I believe that's what I called him, or something to that effect. He wore a Zorro mask, cape and his long hair blew in the wind.

Secondly, "The Blob Monster" he spewed green, poisonous gunk on all his victims 

The only other character I could remember or find was in this tile.

Here's a little help if you couldn't see him

I'm nearly 100% sure I called this guy Alfred the Alien.

So yes, I'm slightly worried by this sudden realisation that my imagination is disappearing as fast as a sparrow can flap it's wings. So what's the reason? Maybe it's because of that (insert angry swear word insult here) named puberty, he's failed me in so many ways, especially when my voice goes squeaky and high. Maybe all this revision is leaving no room for the airy fairy things of life, or maybe it's because I've been maturing so much lately... doubt it. Whatever the reason it's highly vexatious. 

I tried to think of a solution to the problem and the saying that stuck out in my mind is that "television destroys your imagination." However, I always found that TV inspired my imagination rather than destroyed it, but I can see were the people that say that are coming from. 

Anyway, this may seem like it's not serious, but it honestly has annoyed me hugely and kind of scared me a bit but hey, que sera sera.

Also if anyone wants to cheer me up, purchase me on of these;

That's all from me for today, have a marvellous Monday, or what's left of it anyway.

Omnes te amo

xox 

Confessions, Apologies and Explanations

Dear Friends, followers and creeps who read this without subscribing, it is nearly the end of another chapter of the book of John (my metaphorical one, not the biblical one); school life. Unfortunately, and fortunately in a few cases, I will never see or be in contact with some of you again. This in mind, I feel it is only right and proper that I get a few things off my chest. But while we're on the topic of getting things off our chest; what is the deal with chest/body hair? This is a paradox for us manly men with chest hair, as from what I hear, chest hair is the pinnacle of repulsiveness. Fair enough, shave/wax it off. However shaving/waxing your chest is seen as being "gay". I personally am not gay so I do not want this. Quite the pickle, should we just leave it or go get "Bro-zillians" (Full body wax for men)? But anyway back to confessions etc.
I'll start at the beginning of school;

• P1- Amy Pue - I'm very sorry I cut your skirt, I meant it in all innocence and was not attracted to you in anyway, therefore it was not pervy. I even cut my own trousers to make it even, but you still told on me therefore I believe you owe me an apology. In fact, you do owe me an apology, you gave me a black eye in P3!! Revenge will be long and painful for you.
• P5- Mrs Greenaway- this is a confession. You were my first crush (which is REALLY weird because my hormones didn't kick in until 2nd year and I didn't start "fancying" girls until then, but there will be more about that later.) I know everyone seemed to fancy you and your sexy Portadown accent but I believe we had something special.

Someday we'll run away together

For Jules- There's a picture of a very young David, but you're not fussy

• P6- Two things, firstly to Caroline Chambers. I suppose it's only right that I apologize for not being in school on valentines day when you had a full wedding planned out for us (literally, she spread red love hearts the whole way up the lane to our hut and bought me a chocolate wedding ring). My excuse was that I was sick and personally, I think that's a good enough one. I also apologies for burning the Valentines card as a sign of disgust, that may have been slightly harsh.
  
  Secondly to Mrs Friel. I'm terribly, terribly, terribly sorry that sneezed on you. I like to think that it wasn't my fault, but it's no coincidence that after I sneezed on you, you were sick for 6 months, so much so that you nearly had to postpone your wedding. (what was with me and weddings in P6?)
• P7- Sarah Tompkins. I still believe it was highly unjust for me to get blamed for this, but I suppose you nearly lost your eye and so I apologies for being "stupid enough to bring a boomerang (which wasn't even mine) out into the playground." I did not hit you with the boomerang, Rachel Haugh did, but I apologise for providing the ammunition.

High school;

•  1st year- to Hollie Donaldson. I'm sorry for leading you on in our highly physical relationship, but I honestly had no attraction to girls whatsoever in 1st year (apart from Mrs Greenaway).
  
  Also to Conor Crozier- I don't remember doing this, probably because you meant so little to me, but I apologies for bullying you, making you cry to Mrs Fry and trying to encourage everyone else not to be friends with you.
• 3rd year- The London trip (when I first laid eyes on my beloved little Kerri)
  To Jordan, I apologise for ruining a load of your London photos but having my group jump into them.
  
  To Adam, I'm sorry for laughing so much at your misfortune, but when you banged your head on the table then proceeded to shout "I don't want to come home today mummy" in a fit of blind panic, and when your were sick in the top floor cafe in Harrods because you drank Iced Tea, they were the funniest things I've ever seen.
  
  To Conor and Matthew, on behalf on Chris, Josh, Adam and myself, we apologise for being sly and running away on you both to go to Pizza Hut. I can't remember fully the reason for doing that, but I believe it was because Conor was annoying us.
  
  This is more of a "clear my name" rather than an explanation. Chris did not see me having a "jolly good time" by myself when I was unaware he was hiding in the cupboard. I'll not say it didn't cross my mind, but I refrained.
• 4th year- The girls who witnessed us streaking at the SU weekend, especially Amy Mckee. I'm sorry that you had to see that, in hindsight you were far to young to be able to handle so much hotness.
  
  I'm not sure whether to say this one or not, but frig it. This is more of an excuse than an explanation, but Sheepy told me to go out with Paula, it was all his fault.
• 5th year- two genuine apologies to make here. Firstly to my GCSE Physics class. If you think back, you will remember that we were challenged by Mr Howard to do a reaction test that involved tranquilising sheep as quickly as possible as they tried to escape from a field. I won with the average reaction time of 0.02 seconds. My prize was a magnetic Top Gear Cool Wall. I cheated, I photo shopped the results page and sent it to Mr Howard. Many apologies to the real winner of that contest.
  
  Also to anyone who worked hard for GCSE Maths and got lower than a B. I cheated in the actual exam. I sat beside Robert Tompkins and copied his work, number for number. He got an A* and I got a B, not sure how that one worked out, but I suppose it was justice in itself.
• L&U6th- to the girls of our year. I apologise on behalf of the rest of the guys for showing such public displays of affection... with each other. Apparently this freaked quite a few of you out, so we are sorry.
  
  To Gary Brown- The day that your leg was broken, if I'm honest, I was not on best terms with you, and the nature of rugby is to tackle your opposition so hard that they'll think twice about trying to run through you again, so in that sense I was trying to hurt you, however I did not mean to break your leg, and would never wish that fate upon anyone. I am truly sorry about the part I played in it all and by the way, I still have your Gromit suit.

If I have wronged you in the past, please comment and if I believe it is fair, I shall apologies.
PS, I wasn't actually praying for rain to ruin the holidays of those who are of school already, that was pure coincidence.


Pożegnanie
xox

The Homotopian Physicist

Hola compadres.
I feel guilty for dulling your minds with drivel, so I decided it was time to educate the masses. Today's topic is to do with physics (for all you physicians out there); the "centrifugal force". To bring the curriculum to life, I decided to make a short video of an experiment. For those who doubt my hypothesis, methodology and results, I'll have you know I got a "B" in GCSE physics so I'm more than qualified. Enjoy.

*As I re-watched the video, I realised the answer is in fact YES, the water WILL fall out. Many apologies for the slight hiccup. Also, to anyone who doesn't understand the "Homotopia" malarkey, James Mooney renamed my house that in 5th year (I think) and it's stuck ever since. 

Well there you have it, you can't do a front flip with a drink in your hand and expect to drink the contents afterwards. Although as I analysed the video intensely, I think it might be possible as the water usually only falls out because of the bounce and the sudden landing (especially in the last fail). But my feet and back are sore so I'm not going to re-attempt it.

One thing I noticed while creeping through everyone else's blogs for ideas is that ranting is quite popular, so I'm going to give it a go. PENS!! This is something that genuinely does my head in about "Bic ball point" pens.
Every time a freehand a line across the page, for some reason the ink all clumps together on the tip of the pen and the next time I put pen to paper; BLOTCH!!

Honestly, every time this happens part of me dies inside. I'm not even what you would classify as a neat person, and I don't understand how when this happens to you "neat" people, you don't go on a massive killing spree.

I told Emma (although she may not have read the comment, if not, go back and read it so this makes sense) I'd upload this video of the only time I've ever broken a bone. Prepare to be unimpressed.

Well that's all I can think of for today. Those who are already on their summer holiday; I hate you with every bone in my body, but otherwise enjoy the good weather while it lasts and have a wonderful time. Those who, like me, are still revising; keep at it, there's not long to go now and join with me as I pray that it rains so hard that no one can leave the house so that we don't miss any of the summer fun.

Kuagana

xox

Old Babies and Trampolines

Hello again. Many apologises if I'm blogging too much, I think I may be addicted, oh well.

I tried to post this last night but it wouldn't publish so at 2am I gave up and decided I'd post it today, but the crappy wee video I made took from 09.30 to 01.27 to upload and it didn't even finish, hence why I uploaded it to Youtube, stupid blogger!!

And thus I begin. Yesterday (Thursday) was quite a normal average day except for a few exceptions. Firstly I accompanied Kerri to Newcastle as Claire needed to go, unfortunately we were slightly behind time and the trip there was... quick to say the least. Anyway we got there all well and good, but as we were walking about we stumbled across an old woman lying on the road, she had collapsed and had clearly banged her head rather hard against the tarmac. Luckily there were people gathered round her assisting her and an ambulance arrived so hopefully all is well. However last night I heard that babies born today have a life expectancy of 120 years and I thought to myself, that lady that fell was probably about 80 or 90, does that mean that if it comes true that people will live to 120 they'll have 30-40 more years of falling, weak bladders, bad sight, bad hearing and being so terribly frail and delicate like that lady? I'm assuming are ageing process will stay the same, we'll just live longer. A good thing or not? Leave a comment on what you think (cause I'm a comment whore).

But anyway, my day continued as usual, got home, had lunch, attempted revision, failed revision, served as a taxi driver for my brother then got horribly bored. I decided it was time I got up off my ass and did some exercise, so what to do? We don't have a football in our house because they keep getting burst, I can't play rugby by myself, I would play hockey but the concrete is liable to breaking my stick, running; too much effort, walking; too little effort. I ended up getting out my trampet (a small trampoline gymnasts use for box work) and attempted to jump over various obstacles.

However the midgies soon brought that activity to a close as they ate me alive.Yes, I'm that sad and lonely that I have time to collaborate it together with music.

Freaking hate them

But anyway, I've nothing else really to say so I'll leave now, but before I go, since I'm new to all this jazz; someone please tell me what you want me to write about as I'm very weary that probably all of you aren't interested in me jumping over football nets and roller blading with a barrel on my head. 

That is all.

안녕히 가세요 (annyeonghi gaseyo)

xox

Why I should never have children

If you know me, then you'll know that I'm not exactly the sharpest crayon in the toolbox when it comes to sensibility. I have been involved in a lot of stupid things during my time on this earth, ranging from in P1 I cut a certain females skirt open with scissors, to more recently the infamous "dart incident." What a lot of you may not know is that I have a childhood friend named Philip McConnell whom the majority of you will know.

The only thing is, when I'm with Philip, bad things tend to happen to us. For instance, I was at his house when I was around 2nd or 3rd year and we decided it would be a grrrreat idea to set each other on fire; and we were right. We had mountains of fun doing that and we caught it all on video (which sadly no longer exists), the only thing was, I set fire to a bandage and it produced very black smoke, I panicked and starting running around with it not knowing what to do. What I forgot to mention was that all this took place inside his house and resulted in the house being smoked out and we had to evacuate, but we didn't get in huge amounts of trouble for that. However the video of Philip and I setting each other ablaze was found by his mother and I have never been shouted at so furiously in all my life. Apparently she's protective of her son being set on fire and my dad shouted at me as well for being an idiot, but I digress. Anyway the point of this blog is to share some of the more stupid things that I have done and caught on video. I'll only show a few now so that I can use this theme again at another stage if my blog ever gets dry.

Not my finest moment. Rollerblades and eccentric blindfolds should never be mixed.

This one was taken with the slow motion function on my phone (hence the lack of sound) and is far better on it, but sure.

These are just a couple of the reasons who I should never procreate, but intend to do anyway. I figure I've got the majority of my life when I'm middle aged and old to be mature and boring, so why not make use of my youthful body's ability to overcome and bounce back from injuries. Act now, think later.
Tis all from me for the mean time.

Toodles
xox

Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman.

Ok, I may as well get into a habit of blogging so I'll make a wee start. Recently I have been watching "Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman" on the Discovery Channel, not to broaden my horizons or increase my intellect on how the world started etc but rather to hear his voice narrate; it's heavenly.

 During the advert for the show he states that he "like the rest of us, has questions..." so here are my questions;

1) When a bird first hatches out of it's egg and makes that really annoying, pathetic attempt at a "tweet" (especially when they nest in your chimney and make so much noise while I'm trying to watch TV), are the adult birds able to understand that or is it just the bird version of "a go go ga ga"? So my real question is, are birds born with the innate ability to communicate or is it something they need to learn?

2) During the Easter holiday when the sun was gloriously bright, I was revising outside and a bee flew past me. For some reason the saying "Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know it, so it goes on flying anyway" popped into my head, so I shouted at the bee "You shouldn't be able to fly" but it flew on anyway. This lead to my next question; is it possible to train bees in the same way you train a dog? I'm not talking about people who keep beehives, but rather being able to tell a bee; "fly" and it will fly or "land" and it will land. In theory it's possible as dogs react to the way an order is said rather than what is said, as they don't understand English, so maybe bees work the same way.


3) What were the first people who tried "French Kissing" doing? Were they looking for a new way to show affection and intimacy? Or where they trying something completely different like, mouth to mouth resuscitation and then it all kicked off from there? It's kinda weird when you think about it.


There you go, a little insight to what a superior brain looks like. If you know the answers to any of the questions, leave a wee comment, or if you even read this, comment as well... I just don't want to be alone.


Ciao bella
xox

Welcome

Hello y'all, tis I, John. I've decided to join the blogging community mainly for having a means to keep people updated when I'm in Nigeria during August, but I figured why not just make a proper blog and see what happens. I apologise in advance, the majority of what I will say will be the biggest load of poppy cock you've ever heard, but hey, maybe you're into that sort of thing. Anywho, toodles... for now.