Confessions, Apologies and Explanations

Dear Friends, followers and creeps who read this without subscribing, it is nearly the end of another chapter of the book of John (my metaphorical one, not the biblical one); school life. Unfortunately, and fortunately in a few cases, I will never see or be in contact with some of you again. This in mind, I feel it is only right and proper that I get a few things off my chest. But while we're on the topic of getting things off our chest; what is the deal with chest/body hair? This is a paradox for us manly men with chest hair, as from what I hear, chest hair is the pinnacle of repulsiveness. Fair enough, shave/wax it off. However shaving/waxing your chest is seen as being "gay". I personally am not gay so I do not want this. Quite the pickle, should we just leave it or go get "Bro-zillians" (Full body wax for men)? But anyway back to confessions etc.
I'll start at the beginning of school;

• P1- Amy Pue - I'm very sorry I cut your skirt, I meant it in all innocence and was not attracted to you in anyway, therefore it was not pervy. I even cut my own trousers to make it even, but you still told on me therefore I believe you owe me an apology. In fact, you do owe me an apology, you gave me a black eye in P3!! Revenge will be long and painful for you.
• P5- Mrs Greenaway- this is a confession. You were my first crush (which is REALLY weird because my hormones didn't kick in until 2nd year and I didn't start "fancying" girls until then, but there will be more about that later.) I know everyone seemed to fancy you and your sexy Portadown accent but I believe we had something special.

Someday we'll run away together

For Jules- There's a picture of a very young David, but you're not fussy

• P6- Two things, firstly to Caroline Chambers. I suppose it's only right that I apologize for not being in school on valentines day when you had a full wedding planned out for us (literally, she spread red love hearts the whole way up the lane to our hut and bought me a chocolate wedding ring). My excuse was that I was sick and personally, I think that's a good enough one. I also apologies for burning the Valentines card as a sign of disgust, that may have been slightly harsh.
  
  Secondly to Mrs Friel. I'm terribly, terribly, terribly sorry that sneezed on you. I like to think that it wasn't my fault, but it's no coincidence that after I sneezed on you, you were sick for 6 months, so much so that you nearly had to postpone your wedding. (what was with me and weddings in P6?)
• P7- Sarah Tompkins. I still believe it was highly unjust for me to get blamed for this, but I suppose you nearly lost your eye and so I apologies for being "stupid enough to bring a boomerang (which wasn't even mine) out into the playground." I did not hit you with the boomerang, Rachel Haugh did, but I apologise for providing the ammunition.

High school;

•  1st year- to Hollie Donaldson. I'm sorry for leading you on in our highly physical relationship, but I honestly had no attraction to girls whatsoever in 1st year (apart from Mrs Greenaway).
  
  Also to Conor Crozier- I don't remember doing this, probably because you meant so little to me, but I apologies for bullying you, making you cry to Mrs Fry and trying to encourage everyone else not to be friends with you.
• 3rd year- The London trip (when I first laid eyes on my beloved little Kerri)
  To Jordan, I apologise for ruining a load of your London photos but having my group jump into them.
  
  To Adam, I'm sorry for laughing so much at your misfortune, but when you banged your head on the table then proceeded to shout "I don't want to come home today mummy" in a fit of blind panic, and when your were sick in the top floor cafe in Harrods because you drank Iced Tea, they were the funniest things I've ever seen.
  
  To Conor and Matthew, on behalf on Chris, Josh, Adam and myself, we apologise for being sly and running away on you both to go to Pizza Hut. I can't remember fully the reason for doing that, but I believe it was because Conor was annoying us.
  
  This is more of a "clear my name" rather than an explanation. Chris did not see me having a "jolly good time" by myself when I was unaware he was hiding in the cupboard. I'll not say it didn't cross my mind, but I refrained.
• 4th year- The girls who witnessed us streaking at the SU weekend, especially Amy Mckee. I'm sorry that you had to see that, in hindsight you were far to young to be able to handle so much hotness.
  
  I'm not sure whether to say this one or not, but frig it. This is more of an excuse than an explanation, but Sheepy told me to go out with Paula, it was all his fault.
• 5th year- two genuine apologies to make here. Firstly to my GCSE Physics class. If you think back, you will remember that we were challenged by Mr Howard to do a reaction test that involved tranquilising sheep as quickly as possible as they tried to escape from a field. I won with the average reaction time of 0.02 seconds. My prize was a magnetic Top Gear Cool Wall. I cheated, I photo shopped the results page and sent it to Mr Howard. Many apologies to the real winner of that contest.
  
  Also to anyone who worked hard for GCSE Maths and got lower than a B. I cheated in the actual exam. I sat beside Robert Tompkins and copied his work, number for number. He got an A* and I got a B, not sure how that one worked out, but I suppose it was justice in itself.
• L&U6th- to the girls of our year. I apologise on behalf of the rest of the guys for showing such public displays of affection... with each other. Apparently this freaked quite a few of you out, so we are sorry.
  
  To Gary Brown- The day that your leg was broken, if I'm honest, I was not on best terms with you, and the nature of rugby is to tackle your opposition so hard that they'll think twice about trying to run through you again, so in that sense I was trying to hurt you, however I did not mean to break your leg, and would never wish that fate upon anyone. I am truly sorry about the part I played in it all and by the way, I still have your Gromit suit.

If I have wronged you in the past, please comment and if I believe it is fair, I shall apologies.
PS, I wasn't actually praying for rain to ruin the holidays of those who are of school already, that was pure coincidence.


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xox